Can everything be perfect?

Not surprisingly perfectionism is perceived as a good and desirable characteristic in the modern Western world, and being moderate in expectations and doings is deemed as a negative trait. Everyone expects you to be perfect: a perfect employee who gets all the work done in time and asks for more, never demanding a promotion or salary increase; a perfect kid, as the star of the basketball team and a brilliant student; a perfect husband who always comes home with flowers and diamond rings.

In this situation, you also expect yourself to be perfect to meet the standards put for you. You become a perfectionist.

When I say you “become” a perfectionist, it is to imply that you were not born one. It is not an absolute, universal characteristic. Rather, it is relative and is born of human conception. Perfection is an idea. It is an idea of a perceived ideal state of affair by a society. Perfection and imperfection are therefore merely attached values by that very society. And you are socialized into it.

Yet, you shouldn’t jump into the conclusion that perfectionism is bad per se. No. It is good to try doing your best. It is inherently good to give people what will make them happy.

However, what I am suggesting is that perfectionism can be dangerous is it casts a controlling net over your life. In this case, perfectionism leaves very little room for you to accept and love yourself unconditionally. You will start being harsh on yourself. You will accuse yourself even for some minor mistakes. Gradually your judgements about yourself will affect the way you perceive others. Everyone will seem just not enough.

However, the truth is we only have each moment of the Present Moment to live in. By being perfectionist, our mind will be forever planning and thinking about the future or lamenting about what went wrong in the past. Because of these tendencies, many perfectionists are unable to feel satisfaction because in their perception they never seem to do things good enough to warrant that feeling of contentment.

And the big paradox reveals itself:

“How can one have perfect peace, self-love and joy when one is a perfectionist?”

1. Know what you know.

Or better what you don’t know. Imagine people you consider as effective speakers… They give us the impression of expertise. Don’t argue on subjects that you are not familiar with.

Neither would that be cool, on the other hand, to rain on people with unusual terms and concepts to look authoritative. Make it understandable. Looking snob can be an effective conversation ender.

2. Think before you talk.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. To achieve this golden rule, understand what you will actually be saying before it is spoken. Pause for a moment, analyze what you will say and evaluate whether it will sound like what you want to mean, or not. Once a word is spoken you can’t take it back.

3. Ask questions.

As we said before “if you don’t know, ask to learn”. But not only that, ask people’s opinions, or guide the conversation with clever questions. After all it is a conversation not a lecture.

4. Listen.

Remember how annoying it is trying to find a mute second to say something with motor mouths. Give people a break and listen to them. Actively… Don’t look at your watch or think of what you will say the next. Follow the speaker and try to understand what he really means. Otherwise you can turn into one of those couples continously arguing without noticing that both are saying the same thing.

5. Establish Eye Contact.

There’s a lot to say when it comes to directing your attention to your audience with an eye-catching gaze. Wether it is a large group you are talking to, or just a colleague in your team it’s important that you keep eye contact to be convincing and influencial.

6. Smile.

Don’t get angry with people for they don’t agree with you, it is a mature conversation. You can better express what you’re saying and look more approachable when you smile.

7. Use Your Body Language.

Gestures are among the most effective tools of communication. Body language can help you get your point across, it will be easier for people to follow. There are studies that have proven that gestures are directly connected to language and make the message of the conversation clear.

8. Do Some “Just Kidding”.

A little kidding around in a conversation can do wonders to lift the tension. Try it also when your audience seems to be bored. You can get the attention of the the crowd back, and it would be nices than going like “are you listening to me?”

9. Bear Low Sail.

Everyone makes mistakes. In a group, don’t shy away to ask if you’re pronouncing a word right. Make a joke out of it. Laugh at yourself if others do so. It will just warm up the conversation and you certainly will not look silly.

10. Enjoy it.

Self development needn’t be solely consist of lists and steps and rules… Being better in conversations is not only another level you will advance and get 100 bonus points. Don’t forget that you want to develop your communication skills, because you want to communicate with people. So enjoy it and don’t be harsh on yourself if you can’t keep one of these advices.

Yet, it is obvious that everyone needs good friends all through their lives: as a shoulder to lean on or to celebrate the big events with… you also would need good friends and a lively social life to have a higher quality life and to enjoy yourself. And yes, a major component of your self development plan.

If you don’t have much of a circle at the moment, you shouldn’t feel depressed about it. Most probably, the problem stemmed from, not your personality traits or your sad destiny, some minor details that you haven’t noticed until now. Some people make and keep friends without even thinking about it. Maybe they just picked up these skills automatically as they grew up. If you haven’t been among those, check our 5 step guide below to learn more on how to make good friends .

1. Spend time with people

It could sound strange, but most of the people who complain about loneliness don’t even realize that things couldn’t be the other way around because they barely see people. Try to visualize how many people you get in contact with in an ordinary day. If it is just the three guys closest to your cubical, there is a problem.

Your job may be stressing and tiring and at a long day’s night all you want to do is to lay down in front of TV. But keep in mind that an idle life will not only make you unhealthy and depressive, you can also lose the friends you currently have, let alone making new ones.

Join in a social club or the nearby gym; try shifting your reading routine to the library or your daily work-out to a recreational space in your neighborhood… spend more time amongst people. Maybe you will not even need to read the next 4 steps.

2. Be positive

It could be hard to cheer everyone up all the time. Neither do you have to be the funniest guy ever. Just be positive and show people that you’re content to be with them. The more rewarding they find you to be around, the more they will spend time with you.

3. Be a conversation starter

Being around people and having a cute smile are good to start with, but you can’t make friends, unless you talk to them. Don’t wait for them to make the first step. If you go one step further to them, it is very likely that they will approach you. Who knows, you can be missing a lasting friend due to the lack of a “hello”.

Some tips;

• Make eye-contact when you talk. You may look cool with your sun glasses but look approachable when it comes to meet someone new.
• Keep the conversation light. You don’t know this person very well; when you will complain about something make sure that you both agree on that.
• A good way to start a conversation is commenting about your immediate environment. Alternatively, you can make a compliment (relevant to your situation for sure) and ask for help. Afterwards, just follow up with a relevant question.
• Try to ask questions which he can answer in detail. Don’t ask, for instance “Do you like warm weather?” give him some space to talk with “What kinds of gifts do you normally buy for your mom?”
• Ask for a get-together. It could be just for coffee, or some occasion related to your common hobby. If you enjoyed chatting or liked something about this person, don’t leave everything to luck; create an opportunity to meet again.

4. Be a good friend

Don’t behave the way you don’t want people to behave when they are with you. In friendship, just in other forms of social relations, things are reciprocal. Be reliable, trust-worthy and kind. Be a good-listener and give advices when they ask for it. Above all, be there for them. You can’t always have fun together.

5. Choose right people to make friends with

Be sure about what you seek in a good friend and with what type of people you feel happy and comfortable. You tallest guy in the basketball team, or the most popular girl in office could be cool to hang out with, but that doesn’t make them the right candidates for a lasting friendship. Make sure that the person you invest your time –at least- is kind and understanding to you.

BONUS!

Don’t shy away connecting people in your office, in school, in a social gathering etc etc. Keep in mind that they are just people like you and they also need friends. If the steps given above didn’t satisfy your quest you can check How to Make Friends Worth Keeping e-book by Alex Vaselevski where you can find specific and practical action steps to help you take action and get instant results. What’s more, you will also get two e-books for free (”How to Overcome Anxciety” and “The Spiral of Influence”… It’s worth having a look.
After applying these steps to your life, you will see my friend, that it is much easier than you have thought, to spice up your social life.